"The graduating class is in for a world of hurt. Never mind that their beloved science-fair-models of our solar system will no longer include Pluto—each and every one of these kids, upon leaving this fabled institution, will need to reckon with their abysmal SAT scores..... Remember, hitting the rock between classes is one thing, being a full-time crackhead is quite another. You think you can just walk out those doors and go create your own unified theory explaining everything in the universe? Go on—good luck!"

Shift the unbeliever’s weight to their left buttock. Bend left leg behind and pull the unbeliever’s upper body forward, using nylon ropes or 2-inch link chains (wear gloves so as not to pinch or burn hands). Minimize “vomit hazard” by clearing unbeliever’s throat of any objects that may have been lodged there during capture or processing.

When Cleopatra determined that her apple had been both genetically modified and irradiated, she may have compared it to a summer’s day. Or she may have compared it to Uranus: holding the apple on its side, she may have noted how both the stem and the opposing, bark-like nub of the seed core are not unlike the abnormally tilted axis of said planet. She may have recalled, too, that at the time of Voyager 2’s passage, Uranus’ south pole was pointed almost directly at the sun, as if engaged in this egregious mix of metaphors as a show of disrespect: mooning, as it were, the sun.