1) Shift the unbeliever’s weight to their left buttock. Bend left leg behind and pull the unbeliever’s upper body forward, using nylon ropes or 2-inch link chains (wear gloves so as not to pinch or burn hands). Minimize “vomit hazard” by clearing unbeliever’s throat of any objects that may have been lodged there during capture or processing.

2) When satisfied that unbeliever appears “visibly shaken,” admit translator into the room and begin prepared statements:

Let us not forget Ayman al-Zawahiri, who until his dying day went on executing US soldiers in the same old way—but with declining confidence. Let his last few Page-2 atrocities serve as a warning: do not underestimate the American public’s ability to “move on with their lives.”

3) Pointing to the unbeliever’s stomach, continue:

In order to survive, human beings need to consume nutrients, which are an ordered form of energy, and convert them into heat, which is a disordered form of energy.

4) Now prying open the unbeliever’s mouth, continue:

Likewise, a basic understanding of linguistics is helpful in contextualizing the involuntary howls of unbelievers. Note how their interjections resemble what we now call “animal cries.”

* Robert Duncan, in an address at Naropa, offered this explanation of the Unbeliever Jesus’ words prior to his crucifixion: “The Intuitionist doesn’t want to keep things straight. If he has a map he’s already conquered everything on the territory he is going to. So, the Intuitionist has to go out there with no map, man, or he’ll never have the opportunity to stumble on some new group of dirt farmers with directives from God, regarding the proper destruction of Earth and its inhabitants.”


© 2008 Christian Peet. Published in the chapbook, Pluto: Never Forget (Book II of The Nines), from Interbirth Books. Originally published in Denver Quarterly.